I always have a million thoughts and stories to share each week. Missionary life is filled with the most up and down emotions that I have ever experienced. But at the same time even through out the downs, I have never felt happier in my entire life.
I'll share just one experience from this week:
Sometimes it's easy to forget - easy to forget the spiritual experiences we have and times when we have felt our testimony almost physically increase. Sometimes I think I take them for granted as a missionary. On wednesday we visited a very very inactive woman, most would probably say its a waste of time, but she is right next door to our weekly community service location so we figured it's good to stop by at least once every other week especially since she really does like missionaries. we visit her because she takes care of her 9 year old granddaughter who we "teach". I just hope that if she keeps having weekly examples from missionaries she can be able to choose for herself when she's older. This time we asked when and why Jean (the grandma) left the church. She saw people in the church acting hypocritical to our beliefs and thats when she decided she didn't need to go to church..she could practice at home and have a relationship with god without the hypocrites. i asked her why she thought we go to church...why she thought God would think its important to GO somewhere to worship when we could just do it in our homes. She said well i know that its because God wants us to learn from people and to be taught in sunday school and a chance to learn. I felt the spirit so strong as I thought in my own heart why I go to a building to worship.
I said very directly, "You are right, a lot of times our prayers are answered through people and so church gives us that opportunity to learn things in a new perspective but no, jean. That is not why I go to church. I can stay at home and read the manual and pray and im pretty sure God would tell me what I needed to learn and I could probably figure it out. If that's what church was about I think it would be a waste of time. I go to church for the most important reason, and that is the sacrament. I made a covenant at baptism that i would keep God's commandments and in return he promised to bless me with His spirit. I can't remind myself of that covenant I made and become completely clean and worthy again each week without taking the sacrament. THATS why we go to church jean." As i looked in her eyes I knew she felt something and the words i said may not be exactly how i wrote it...but close enough. her eyes were almost piercing as i spoke to her. I was so grateful that the spirit reminded me in that moment why i go to church...why i do what i do. it was silent for a little bit and then she laughed it off and said I thought you were here for Jemma.
it broke my heart as I thought of the week before how we invited her to bring Jemma to church for Jemma's sake because jemma keeps saying "when can i go to church?". The Bishop has asked that hopefully Jean can just at least drop her off and to not have members take her even though jean could care less if a stranger picked her up. I remembered how we asked and she said no and we walked down the ghetto street full of run down apartments with broken families inside as we heard the screams and cries of an innocent 9 year old, "You never do anything! You just sit in your chair and watch your tv all day and just smoke! That's all you ever do!" She went on and on and I thought of how true every word was. I remembered sitting on the curb waiting for our ride hearing over and over again the screams. Water filled my eyes as i just wanted to rock back and forth and put my hands over my ears.
Those same feelings came to mind as Jean laughed it off when she felt the spirit as we testified of church attendance. I had the thought that Jean will never change no matter how often she feels the spirit. But then I thought how important it was to still testify to her to remind her that she is now accountable. she did make a covenant and she knows exactly what she needs to do and willingly chooses not to do it. The Lord is very very merciful but he is also just. I felt so sad for her thinking of how she will be accountable for not only her actions but how she is "raising" her granddaughter.
A lot of the time as missionary I feel like I dont say the right things or not studying the right thing or dont know how to find the right people....but then i get a few moments like in Jean's house where I feel the spirit so strong....almost physically within me as I testify to people. Remember to cling on to those moments we get - write them down, remember them, put yourself in opportunities where you can feel it agin (i.e. share the gospel) because even if we don't get through to people the way we hope, it is a testimony to ourselves which is just as or more important. In relief society the teacher gave an awesome thought that i needed. she said that on her mission she realized that she didn't need to be the best missionary. she just needed to be the best her while at this time she was a missionary. I think the same is true at any stage in life: not to be the best student or mom or wife ...just to be the best US while we are in that stage.
GROUNDBREAKING OF MY AREA'S TEMPLE THIS WEEKEND. HARTFORD, CT. (technically Farmington). SO EXCITED. THE LORD HAS AMAZING PLANS FOR THIS AREA - FOR EVERY AREA IN THE WORLD ACTUALLY. I AM SO HUMBLED TO BE A MISSIONARY AT THIS TIME IN THIS LOCATION!!
Go preach the good word people - time is running short!
All my love from tall tall rows of corn fields,
Sister Bell
Keepin it real....because it is real
p.s. - the man himself is going to be in my area this weekend. excited? definetely. seeing him? unfortunetly, as much as we tried...no :(
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